Tiny Tower Buyer's Report

Dear Mr. Gregor,

As per your request I have completed the report on the building you have recently purchased, ominously named the 'Impending Tower'.

The tower is 13 stories tall consisting of 1 lobby, 6 shops, 5 apartments, and 1 floor currently under construction (the contractors remained tight lipped on what exactly is being built on floor 13). There are 25 total residents, all of whom appear to know each other quite well despite the relatively short time living together (approx. 1-2 days). The tower maintains a constant stream of visitors including secret admirers, contest hosts, and high-profile celebrities. They seemingly enter the tower out of sheer confusion, take the elevator to a random floor and purchase whatever they find there.

Below you will find a floor by floor breakdown of the tower:

One- Lobby

Standard room noted eerily by the complete lack of people. Employment of doorman highly recommended.

Two- Pub

Lack of liquor license and incompetent staff does not seem to deter visitors. Most people are there for the nuts anyways.

Three- Laundromat

One might think it would be oversized and overstaffed, yet the constant inflow of dirty laundry wielding non-residents keep operations in equilibrium.

Four- Soda Brewery

Fairly certain workers are running an illegal operation here, as I cannot imagine they possess the permits to be running a brewery on the fourth floor of a skyscraper. Nevertheless, large revenues.

Five- Mini Golf

The space required for the course doesn't seem possible in a floor of this size. Large revenues.

Six- Barber Shop

Fairly reasonable relative to everything else that seems to be in this tower. Unreasonably large revenues.

Seven- Record Shop

Large revenues.

The remainder of the floors are all completely full apartments. All 25 renters pay their rent on time, relocate at owner's request, and fully staff every business within the tower regardless of aptitude or interest.

Verdict: Too good to be true. The massive income, endless expansion possibilities, and seemingly complete lack of need for management makes the sale of this building irrational. Why anyone would unload the building ever is an enigma. Something dark is at work here within this tower and I refuse continued involvement with the place post this report.