Ten Uneducated Predictions for Mass Effect 3

So all holiday blues and game dry-spells aside, excitement should be emanating from every Bioware fan's buttocks. Mass Effect 3 is literally right around the calendar corner and we'll all soon find out what happened to Shepard and his merry band of ragtag hooligans. No matter how you finished Mass Effect 2, a few things are near certain to happen in ME3 that will shock, bore, or horrify you.

--I'd like to note that about a year has passed (at time of writing) since I have played ME2. Also I have not yet completed any of the DLC--

10. Riding the Tricycle

Getting the crudities out of the way first, ME2 had a jaw dropping number of potential partners for you to tango with on the cold steel floor of the docking bay. There really was something for everyone with perfect genetically engineered lovers to psychopathic psychics. Gay sex, alien sex, gaylien sex, sex that results in death, sex that puts the partner in legitimate danger... that game had it all.

So really where is there to go from there?

Answer: Three-way.

9. Joker will Die

I know that everyone loved playing as him for a brief stint in ME2, but Seth Green's character is just to damn likable to keep around. Think Sargent Johnson in Halo. Come to think of it, EDI is a little reminiscent of Guilty Spark...

Don't think it's beyond Bioware to take this out of your control. So far Joker has been the one character you have seemingly no effect on. This makes him the perfect victim of fortune needed to raise the stakes for the final chapter.

Though his ability to be killed by a firm wad of paper leads me to believe he might make it through to the end.

8. You will be Betrayed

No, no... not in the way Saren did it (by betraying every non-reaper race in the universe at the same time). This betrayal will be much more personal. Expect your lover to do it out of the sheer motivation that you love her too much. Remember the whole Bastilla ordeal in Knights of the Old Republic? Remember how much that sucked? Oh, I'm the only one who liked her? Fine.

Still, it is Bioware, so give her a firm hand-back to the face and she'll snap out of it and get back to making love to you... provided you always pick the nice option.

7. The Galactic Council will Continue to be Pricks

Do I really need to explain this one? Is it really not clear?

6. The Illusive Man finds Himself in the Unemployment Line

I haven't checked the Intergalactic NASDAQ lately but I have a feeling Cerberus is down a point or two. Don't get me wrong, they did as well as a racist terrorist organization can do in this economic climate but they took a massive risk by putting all their eggs in the Shepard basket.

Which brings us to the Illusive Man. He literally makes every decision for the company. If there is a chain of responsibility, he is the rusty link everything connects to. He can't even claim to run a tight, yet morally ambiguous, ship with all of the supervisor-employee relationships and assaults on company property by government military organizations.

Still, the only person that could fire The Illusive Man is the boss-guy himself, and he remains...
well, illusive.

5. You Will See Tali

There is one major... MAJOR... caveat to this and that is it will only happen if you pick the right options. I would guess she has to be your paramour but there is a fair chance it will only happen if you manage to get her killed. Does that seem sick? You bet it is! Sicker than Tali is when she leaves her sterility suit!

Zing. Quarian burn.

4. Carrying Your Game Over Will Once Again, not be All That Worth It

Mass Effect is becoming quite the commitment isn't it? If you want to milk the full experience out of the game, you're going to have to sit down and replay the first two all over again so it's all fresh in your mind. It did seem cool that all the decisions you made in the first game were going to have HUGE CONSEQUENCES in the second game, and that only you had access to this great honor for having the gusto to play through both.

And if you were lazy you could just tell Miranda and Jacob everything you think you did in the first game, and the universe just worked around it. Pretty sure we mastered that technology in Knights of the Old Republic 2... and that was done by Obsidian.

3. Mass Effect 4

Call me jaded. Do it. You wouldn't be without cause. Halo 4 made me jaded. I know, I know... don't blame a huge flaw in my personality on one game release.

But now the concept of "the trilogy" has been ruined for me forever.

I'm the only one who doesn't seem to worship the earth that Bioware walks on and so I realize that they're out for profit like everyone else.

Soon you'll see... you'll all see!!!

2. More Death

If you managed to get Shepard through ME2 without getting him killed, I have good news: You will have equal opportunity to do so in ME3 (if not more). In fact, don't be surprised if you lose your entire team one by one survival horror style. Fire Emblem has been killing people of for realsies since the 90's and those games are fantastic.

1. Game of the Year

I want you to sit down and think for a good solid hour if Mass Effect is really the best game of the year. I am aware that this is next year we're talking about and the game isn't out yet and stuff stuff bloopity blopity etcetera.

Out of all of the predictions on this list, this is the one I am most certain of. Everyone already knows how ME3 is going to play out because everyone has been playing Bioware games for the past decade.

Mass Effect is an engrossing choose-your-own-ending novel framed by shooting galleries. The gameplay and plot both have strengths in their own merit but never seem to come together. Pacing will be hindered for both by the existence of the other and morality systems have become such a standard for games now, that the inclusion of one just seems stale.

But I'm crazy. Bioware makes good games. Everyone should come kick me because I'm so crazy.

A Few Hours In-- Fallout 3

Against my better judgement, here's part two of my third playthrough of Fallout 3--

After wandering around for Megaton a bit, I was confronted by multiple citizens desperately in need for some random wanderer by to show up and solve their problems for them. I wanted to lecture them on the dangers of taking their intimate personal problems to strangers especially in an environment as hostile and untrustworthy as the Capital Wasteland, but there wasn't a speech option for that. It was for the best I suppose... my character isn't really the lecturing type. So far she seems to be perky and agreeable with a habit of gruesomely murdering people if it fits into her own twisted logic (note: it usually does).

Regardless, Megaton wasn't really my scene so I thought I'd make a break for this Downtown D.C. place that the guy on the radio keeps going on about. This wasn't before strapping some device to Megaton's bomb some dude gave me in the bar. I asked him why he couldn't do it himself to which he responded: 

    "because I'm paying you to do it!"

I couldn't really argue with the logic, so I thanked him and set off. On my way to D.C. I came across a lone Enclave soldier. He appeared to be lost and he decided to ask me for some directions by shooting me repeatedly with a laser rifle. I punched him off a cliff and walked away puzzled as to why the Enclave were around already. Luckily, I found a hockey mask that went great with my spiked knuckles and jumpsuit to distract me. People really seem to respect the deranged look around here. It was around this time that I discovered a new fact about myself:

I am a gigantic racist.

I have punched every ghoul I've met, feral or not, in the face until exploded. I did also punched a kid in the face too though... so this may be less of a race thing and more of a punching thing. I put my fists away for that one and everyone let me go with a stern warning, so I assume that sort of thing happens all the time. It was around here that I heard Three Dog congratulating me and my father on getting the water purifier up and running. I was pretty sure that hadn't happened yet so I decided to stop by Galaxy News to correct him.

I finally met up with the Brotherhood of Steel who made fun of me all they way up to being attacked by a Super Mutant Behemoth. Being the awesome, sexy, great, unarmed specialist that I am; I ran up to him and punched him in the leg.

He then beat me into the ground with a fire hydrant.

Bright side, I'm level 7 w/ neutral karma.

One Hour In-- Fallout 3

Don't let the title deceive you... that's one hour in of my third play-through. With the news of New Vegas: GOTY being released in February, I thought it was apt to visit the Capital Wasteland one last time before relocating permanently to the Strip.

Being my third play-through, I really only have two goals this time around:

1. Be an insane person.
2. Get the only achievement I haven't gotten (Level 8 w/ Neutral Karma)

Don't ask me why that's the only achievement I haven't gotten. I don't know the answer. All I know is that thing has mocked me for the longest time. So it's Personality-less Joe until I cut loose at level eight.

Make that Personality-less Jane actually. I ended up picking a female character this time around because I was horrified by the prospect of picking my own gender with little to no information about gender-roles in the outside world. My roommates yelled at me to be a girl, and one challenged me that I could not make myself attractive... long-story short I became a girl (attractive). My childhood was brief and uneventful. It was all a big blur of radroaches, G.O.A.T.s, and Tunnel Snakes.

I know...

This time around I decided the Tunnel Snakes did not rule and took the three in a fist fight. After winning I pretty much decided if anything was to die by my hand, it would be punched to death. Anyways, cut to everyone trying to kill me in the vault and my decision to make like a tree and get out of there. I did hit on Amata... because my girl hits on everybody. I also yelled at her dick-overseer dad to stop beating her up. He agreed and pleaded with me to surrender.

Alright so normally I wouldn't hand over my weapons and surrender to anyone who was clearly a douche, but my roommates once again chimed in. So I reluctantly did as I was told. The Overseer then loudly proclaimed:

    "Aha! Fooled you! Now killing you will be super easy!"

So I beat the piss out of him with my bare fists. Amata wasn't really happy with me after that even when I clearly explained to her that I handed her father a gun that he immediately started shooting me with. Oh, I forgot to mention I killed Butch. Dude wouldn't even save his own grandma. I'm giving his jacket to a death claw.

After that I spent my time alternately stealing and donating to the church in Megaton.

War never changes.

Frustration-- S Ranks

Yes, I know, yes... I can't seem to talk about anything other than Sonic Generations at the moment. Bear with me for a bit though because there is a good reason... well, there is a reason anyways.

Being my super-busy and highly sought after self, I have been fairly busy as of late. Also being my sexy, awesome, and neurotic self... I don't consider games "complete" until I have all the achievements on them. This has caused me many video game bookkeeping issues that my video game accountants would crucify me for. Because of this, I made myself a little rule: I do not begin another game until I am done with the one I'm on.


So let's get this straight. I'm done with Sonic Generations, have been for weeks now. I have beaten the levels, I have defeated the final boss, I have purchased new games, I AM DONE. So what have I been doing since? Something along the lines of getting an S Rank on all 90 of the challenge levels in that GOD FORSAKEN GAME. Sorry, that was an overreaction.

It's not the game's fault though, it's my roommate. I was just going to complete the challenges and get out of there hunky-dory.

"You know if you don't get S-Ranks you haven't beaten the game..."
"wha... bu..."
"No wha-bu's! You get those S-Ranks or you don't get to live here anymore!!"

I may have paraphrased a bit. Anyways, I can't even say if it was worth it to perfect this blasted game although I suspect it isn't because I am the only one playing it and the satisfaction will last all of 8 seconds...

Eight...
SECONDS.

--frustrated.

Insert Coin: Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who dislikes Scott Pilgrim (does not equal Michael Cera). He's the star of a fantastic movie, game, and comic book series that garnered just enough of a following to be relevant without being series-ruining popular (see-- Star Wars). Still, by accepting everything Scott touches as gold, we become the evil-exes we so hoped to defeat... so I gave this XBLA game a replay.

Some Notes-- It's always better to be Ramona than Scott, it's pretty much the moral of the series. She's just overall better in game and despite how much I wanted to identify myself with Scott, I ended up maxing Ramona first and thoroughly enjoyed some advanced hammer antics. That being said, Steven Stills and Kim are pretty much the Wario and Donkey Kong of the bunch meaning whoever ends up playing them are probably the second class citizens of the particular group you happen to be playing with. 2D beat-em-up has never described a game better because Scott strikes with all the accuracy of a thread trying to strike another thread. Unless he is lined up perfectly with an enemy, he will only end up kicking the air's ass.

This seems familiar...

I also seem to be having some issues with high-leveled characters. That doesn't seem like an issue, but whenever I want to play with my non-sociopathic friends, they're stuck wizzing with a level one Ramona while I murder everything with my level eight-million Kim. I guess it's further incentive to download Knives as a character (which I already planned to do...).

I'd also like to mention that the evil-exes haven't really stood a chance against me. Maybe I'm just really good or my love for Ramona is motivating me, but Nega-Scott and Gideon both caused significant trouble for me. I'm probably just not a "finest-hour" kind of guy.

Concluding Thoughts: Todd Ingram is the best... in everything.

He's a rock star.